Not Another Mary Sue Fanfiction
by Cameo Moon
Summary: When Hogwarts has to create a new house for all the Mary Sues that have suddenly decided to invade the school, you might get the idea that there's a slight problem... Ch.6- Boom! Hermione infultrates the Mary Sue House, with the help of polyjuice potion
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: Everything Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling. The original characters, including the insufferable Mary Sue types *shudders* are mine. That's not to say that all Mary Sues are bad, but for the purposes of this parody… well I'm sure you get it ;)  
  
Summary: Mary Sues are invading Hogwarts!! (oh the humanity!) They've got to be driven out before they invade the school, before they turn it into a pile of teeny bopper mush. There is a plan in place, but just how well will it play out? Will everyone retain their sanity? God only knows…  
  
Author's Note: Hullo! The insane Bee is at it again… I have no idea where this came from, but my muse threatened to run away of I didn't write it. All comments are greatly appreciated, I LOVE MY READERS!!! Uhum… yeah… so without further ado, here is Not Another Mary Sue Fanfiction!  
  
  
  
  
  
1 Prologue  
  
It seemed like any other night in the Great Hall of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The students and staff were quickly adjusting to the recent addition of a fifth house, which had become the most hated house almost intsantaniously.  
  
Once every few minutes, a pair of eyes would glare at the new table at the center of the hall.  
  
Sitting at the afore mentioned table were about 60 of the most beautiful girls in existence. They were eagerly discussing their perfect grades, the contracts their talent agents had managed to get them, and the daring stories of how they each managed to single handedly save the day.  
  
Again.  
  
The chattering girls were seemingly oblivious to the world around them- they knew that it would stop turning for them in a heartbeat, if they wanted it to.  
  
Meanwhile, the rest of the occupants in the hall were waiting for their nightly interruption.  
  
The strangest thing had started happening each night at dinner- about two months ago. A stunningly pretty new girl would waltz into the hall, and announce that she would be starting school here, so would someone please go and get the Sorting Hat so she could be properly sorted.  
  
Dumbledore knew about each of these girls before they came of course, as he was very close to most of their families. The Headmaster being the way he is, turned none of them away, but he did realize that he had a very real problem on his hands. As the school seemed to receive at least one new (annoyingly perfect) student per day, the student population was exploding.  
  
Dumbledore didn't think Gryffindor could stand any more students at the moment.  
  
Apparently the Sorting Hat agreed. The old hat had its own qualms about this situation. Normally, it only had to work one day a year, for less than an hour. All in all, it was a pretty good deal. But now, it was being pulled out of its peaceful reverie on a nightly basis, only to sort a bunch of girls who were either extremely arrogant, or entirely too innocent for their own good.  
  
The girl's dorms in Slytherin and Gryffindor were overflowing, and the number of catfights that resulted in people being sent to the hospital wing was at an all time high.  
  
Madam Pomfrey could hardly stand to look at the influx of new girls, let alone treat them.  
  
She turned to Dumbledore, who in turn went to the Sorting Hat.  
  
The hat had been doing some thinking of its own, and had come up with a temporary solution: creating a new house in an effort to isolate these demons disguised as innocent girls, thus the creation of the Mary Sue House.  
  
There was however the problem of the fact that this new house increased in number every day.  
  
At this rate, the school's population would double by the end of the year if something wasn't done soon. In the insanity of it all, it was decided that the Mary Sues (all 60 of them at this point) must be disposed of, before the original population of the school was outnumbered.  
  
Suddenly, the doors to the Great Hall flew open. An 18-year-old witch with waist long strawberry blonde hair, bright blue eyes, and a porcelain complexion sauntered up to the front of the hall.  
  
She flashed a brilliant smile, and sighed melodramatically.  
  
"I'm ready to be sorted!"  
  
The students and staff groaned.  
  
It had started again.  
  
  
  
NEXT: Mary Sue #61- Bee Prefect 


	2. Enter Mary Sue #61 - Bee Perfect

The insanity continues…  
  
  
  
"Is there something wrong?" The exquisitely beautiful young witch asked, throwing her long hair over her shoulders as she turned to address the staff table.  
  
Dumbledore sighed and momentarily put his head in his hands.  
  
"No Bee, nothing is wrong at all. The Sorting Hat is just to the side of the table- if you will bring it to the center you can start the sorting." The Headmaster replied tiredly,  
  
The usual twinkle in his eyes was replaced with exhaustion.  
  
It had been interesting when the first few amazingly perfect girls had shown up.  
  
It had been funny when 15 girls with 'fascinating' (and sometimes conflicting) pasts had happened to start the school.  
  
It had been annoying when 38 girls had come looking to re-establish relationships with estranged members of their family who happened to either teach or attend Hogwarts.  
  
At 61, it was just old.  
  
Bee brought the Sorting Hat to the forefront, and gracefully sat down on the magically provided stool. She put the tattered hat on carefully, and for some reason, managed not too look like an absolute fool wearing a hat that was nearly four sizes too big for her.  
  
' Oh gods, not another one of you' the hat complained.  
  
'What do you mean?'  
  
'Every night there's always another one of you to sort; I think you should just go home. There's no room for you and no one wants you here anyway.'  
  
'You're mean. If my father hears about the way you treated me…'  
  
'All right, I'll sort you. But just think, how would your father react if you told him you were mistreated by a hat?'  
  
'He would be loving and understanding, just like he always is.'  
  
'I'm sure. So little Mary Sue is going to go running to her daddy. That'll go over well'  
  
'I'm not Mary Sue.'  
  
'Oh yes you are dear, yes you are.'  
  
'No, I'm Bee Perfect.'  
  
'I'm sure you are, but you need some work on your grammar.'  
  
'Nooooo! My name is Bee Perfect.'  
  
'I need a raise.'  
  
'Will you sort me already?'  
  
'There's really no question about where you belong, I don't know why you bothered disturbing me to find out.'  
  
'Gryffindor, right?'  
  
'Er, no.'  
  
'Ravenclaw?'  
  
'I'm afraid not.'  
  
'Slytherin then. After all, I do have an evil side under my innocent exterior. You see, I'm actually-'  
  
'Spare me, please. After this monumental waste of my time, you so obviously belong in "MARY SUE"  
  
Somewhat deflated, Bee went over to her house table, where she was greeted with enthusiastic applause. A friendly looking group at the center of the table moved over to make room for her.  
  
"This isn't how things are supposed to go." She pouted.  
  
"Tell me about it." A girl with unruly shoulder length black hair and bright green eyes said from beside her.  
  
"Does anyone know what's going on?" Bee asked.  
  
"Not a clue, but think I kind of like the idea of our house, now that I'm getting use to it. By the way, I'm Honey Potter." The girl replied.  
  
"How could they not like our house? We're the perfect ones after all." A haughty girl with long silver blonde hair and cold gray eyes commented.  
  
"And you would be…"  
  
"Dianna Malfoy." She smiled superiorly.  
  
"So that would make you Harry Potter's sister" Bee said as Honey nodded. "And you Draco Malfoy's sister" She concluded.  
  
"Long lost cousin actually."  
  
"Ah."  
  
"You know, one might almost get the feeling that the rest of the school doesn't like us." A younger girl, with raven black hair and sapphire blue eyes who was sitting next to Dianna said.  
  
Everyone within earshot looked at her with a bewildered expression.  
  
"Or not. I'm Melodie Riddle. I'm a spy for Lord Voldermort, but no one's supposed to know, so Shhhhhh" She looked around the hall nervously as she held a finger to her lips.  
  
Suddenly, Melodie clutched her head as if she were in agony.  
  
"I'M SORRY MY LORD!! I DIDN'T MEAN TO TELL THEM, PLEASE SPARE MY LIFE!"  
  
A bolt of lightening came flying from the ceiling, and struck at the Mary Sue table.  
  
Melodie Riddle was no more.  
  
Cheers broke out in every direction from the Great Hall.  
  
The Mary Sues gave the glare if death to the ecstatic people, which quieted them down after about 20 minutes of celebration.  
  
Dianna Malfoy crossed her arms.  
  
"Damn, that's the third one we've lost this week." 


	3. What to do with a Mary Sue

Author's note: Woooooooow! Thank you so so so so so much for all the reviews. I REALLY LOVE MY READERS!!!! ( ( ( Death to all bad Mary Sues!  
  
***  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, at the Gryffindor table…  
  
  
  
"Maybe we could turn the doors of the Great Hall into a portkey into the underworld or something." Ron said, taking a rather large bite of his chicken leg.  
  
"And what, make it activate once diner has started?" Harry looked up from his mashed potato.  
  
"Don't be stupid, what if someone's late?" Hermione replied crossly.  
  
Ron shrugged. "The Slytherins are late a lot of the time, and we could always do with a few less of them. What more could you ask for in a plan- Get rid of new Mary Sues and Slytherins in one shot."  
  
"You've been late plenty of times too you know." Hermione said matter of factly.  
  
Harry raised an eyebrow. "We all have, maybe we should come up with something else."  
  
"Fine. What other brilliant plans do we have?" Ron asked, giving Hermione a meaningful look.  
  
"I don't know, let me go look in Hogwarts, A History to see of anything like this has ever happened before." Hermione started to leave the hall.  
  
"Come on." Harry motioned to Ron, and the three moved out of the Great Hall.  
  
  
  
  
  
Back at the Slytherin table…  
  
"So do you think we could stick a bunch of Death Eaters on them?" Crabble said as he heaped a fourth helping of potatoes onto his plate.  
  
"Maybe we could attack them, it might be fun." Goyle replied.  
  
"Hey Draco, do you think you could ask you father about getting some Death Eaters to attack the Mary Sues?" Crabble halfway yelled at the blonde Slytherin, extremely proud of coming up with what he seemed to believe was a good way to be rid of the horrid Mary Sues.  
  
"I don't think we'll be able to use usual means to get rid of them." Draco crossed his arms and glared at the offending table.  
  
"No Death Eaters?" Goyle looked disappointed.  
  
"No Death Eaters." Malfoy sighed.  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Well, Voldie has several spies over there, and a couple of daughters as well. Try to convince my father as I might, I can't get him to tell the Dark Lord that these Mary Sues who are seemingly on our side are actually an evil that is beyond even him." Draco explained.  
  
" So no Death Eaters?"  
  
"NO DEATH EATERS!!" Draco winced as his yell echoed through the hall. A pale blush appeared on his face out if frustration.  
  
"What about all the sisters, and half sisters, and cousins and stuff you have over there?" A seventh year that was sitting a few seats away asked.  
  
"Screw them. I'm the only Malfoy anyone needs."  
  
"What about the 20 or so girlfriends?" The same boy asked.  
  
"Well maybe we can manage to keep a few of those."  
  
Once again to the Mary Sues *shudder*  
  
  
  
"So where exactly is our common room?" Bee asked, ogling as the castle as the Mary Sues left the hall.  
  
"You mean you don't know?" Honey was genuinely surprised.  
  
"Well I've never been here before, and-"  
  
"Don't you just instinctively know everything about the castle?" Honey was giving Bee a very strange look.  
  
"Maybe she doesn't really belong in Mary Sue." Dianna sneered slightly.  
  
"The Sorting Hat says I do, but it was mean to me."  
  
They came to a halt before a doorway guarded by four suits of armor.  
  
"We're right next to Gryffindor Tower." Melodie chirped from behind the three girls.  
  
"I thought you were dead…" Bee took a step back.  
  
"I was, but I mysteriously came back." Melodie skipped through the door, after singing the password to the armor (One Singular Sensation).  
  
"That's the fifth time she's done that." Another older blonde girl said following Melodie in.  
  
The other three followed her into what would have been a glamorous common room, were it not decorated in pastel pink and barracuda teal.  
  
"Yo, Mary Sue-" A girl with a dark brown ponytail and violet eyes called out to the blonde witch.  
  
"Oh hello Jessie dear, I thought you were going back to America today." Mary said after a quick air kiss.  
  
"Nope, I'm transferring to Hogwarts to I can finish my last two years here. Besides, I just found out the greatest thing- Harry is in love with me!" Jessie grinned ecstatically.  
  
Mary however, did not look happy at all.  
  
"But Harry is in move with ME." Her eyes flashed dangerously.  
  
"No way, Harry and I are getting married after seventh year. I've already booked the Backstreet Boys to play at our wedding." A fourth year girl with light brown hair and warm brown eyes happily gushed.  
  
"Rebecca Lupin, I do not believe you. Harry is in love with ME- it's the biggest scandal in the school!" Dianna Malfoy intervened.  
  
A crown of about 15 girls was now arguing over who Harry REALLY loved, as it simply HAD to be them.  
  
The rest of the house sat around and witched with intense interest.  
  
As hexes started to fly, bets were being taken as to who would get Harry in the end.  
  
"I say the blonde Mary Sue in seventh year is going to win." Honey announced.  
  
A jet of red sparks came flying towards the group of spectators.  
  
"Hey watch it, will you? We kept the hexing to a minimum when we had to decide who would have full rights as Dumbledore's granddaughter." A Girl with long auburn curls and sparkling blue eyes complained.  
  
"Shut up Alyssa, THIS is important" a voice from within the commotion yelled.  
  
Alyssa shrugged. "I bet 50 galleons on Rebecca."  
  
"Do you really think so?" A first year, Chavie, with black hair and bottomless black eyes seemed confused at Alyssa's reasoning.  
  
"Definetly. She's quiet, but that means she hasn't bothered Harry as much as the rest of them have. Besides, she's actually cute where the others are a bit too much for him. She's more on his level of you know what I mean. And she's the only one who has a class with him." The witch stated matter of factly.  
  
"That may be, but I can think of one definite downfall that might make Harry think twice." Yet another replica of the ideal Mary Sue, who happened to be in sixth year said.  
  
"What's that?" Chavie asked.  
  
"She's Reamus Lupin's daughter." Mary Sue number 37 said  
  
"We all know that. She has 13 half sisters." Alyssa was starting to get annoyed.  
  
"Isn't tonight a full moon?" Chavie seemed slightly concerned.  
  
"The other 12 are locked in the dungeons somewhere." Honey said.  
  
Chevie's eyes widened. "Rebecca isn't…"  
  
"She's gonna looooooose." Mary 37 grinned. "50 galleons for me."  
  
"You never took the bet!" Alyssa snapped.  
  
Mary 37 pouted. "I tried."  
  
Suddenly, Rebecca Lupin stepped out of the giant catfight, and looked very frightened.  
  
"Uh…. I have to go…" And with that, she positively fled from the common room.  
  
The fight however was going nowhere, and seemed to settle down to a bunch if hissed whispers. The girls turned around, and with determined expressions of their faces yelled:  
  
TO THE GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM!!  
  
NEXT: Harry had to deal with his 15 self proclaimed Mary Sue girlfriends, and had to choose… if he doesn't kill them all first… 


	4. Hell's chorus

Angelina Johnson looked up from her Charms homework with an odd expression on her face. "Do you hear something strange?" she commented offhandedly to Alicia Spinnet, who was laying across the couch next to her reviewing her latest Potions quiz with a slight frown.  
  
Before she had a chance to answer, a rather violent mob of perfectly beautiful girls came busting through the portrait hole.  
  
"Dear lord help us!! The Mary Sues have come to destroy us!!" Colin Creevey ran around the room screaming until Fred finally grabbed him, and made him shut up.  
  
"What do you want?" He asked, extremely annoyed that that had interrupted him in the middle of a stroke of genius.  
  
The lead, blonde Mary Sue number one came forward, and flashed a saccharine sweet smile. "Could you tell us where Harry is?"  
  
"Uh, how exactly did you get in here anyway?" George put down the order sheet he had been working on. "Are the lot of you psychic too?"  
  
Marry shook her head. "No, only Serena." She indicated a girl with wavy bright red hair and emerald eyes.  
  
"You guys are so easy to read, just like open books." Serena grinned evilly.  
  
"Too bloody convenient if you ask me." Fred crossed his arms.  
  
"Isn't it though? Uncle Tom taught me how to use my gif-"  
  
"We really don't care. Susie, Annie, and Bob all have the exact same story."  
  
"Bob?" The group of demon girls chorused.  
  
"Uh, never mind."  
  
"Where's Harry?" Mary asked defensively.  
  
"You can't take him! I won't let you!" Colin yelled again.  
  
"It's alright Collin, I'm right here." Harry said, coming out of a dark corner of the common room with Hermione and Ron.  
  
Coming out if hiding was brave, but stupid. Very, very stupid.  
  
Before he could take his next breath, Harry was in the midst of 15 of the most beautiful girls he had ever seen.  
  
"Some Guys get all the luck..." Seamus said before quickly running upstairs to the boy's dorms and away from the growing chaos.  
  
"Harry I love you!"  
  
"You want to marry me, don't you Harry?"  
  
"Didn't we just have the most wonderful time at the Yule Ball Harry?"  
  
"I know I'm related to Malfoy, but can't you look past that?"  
  
"I've booked the Backstreet Boys for our wedding Harry, isn't that a sign of true love?"  
  
"Forget her, I've booked NSYNC, that's real love."  
  
"We're meant to be together Harry, it's fate."  
  
"So Ravenclaw wants me to be their seeker, I'll turn them down for you."  
  
"I'm not really your sister if I'm Sirius Black's long lost daughter- you're just his godson. We could live together happily ever after like one big family.  
  
"I'm American."  
  
"I'm not."  
  
"I'm dead sexy."  
  
"Fawks wants us to be together."  
  
"We defeated Voldermort together."  
  
"We saved life, the universe, and everything together."  
  
"42!"  
  
Of course it didn't actually sound that clear in person. It was completely jumbled and incomprehensible.  
  
Harry imagined that this is how the chorus of hell must sound.  
  
Crawling out if the massive brawl, he saw that most of them had actually turned on each other. Things were getting pretty ugly, and if it kept up, there wouldn't be much of the Gryffindor common room left.  
  
Walking back to Ron and Hermione (relatively unscathed), Harry spun around quickly as the room shook with a large explosion.  
  
The mob of devil girls had seemed to spontaneously combust.  
  
15 Mary Sues were no more.  
  
A sense of dawning came over everyone in the Gryffindor common room, as they had come up with a way to be rid of the Mary Sues: let them destroy themselves.  
  
With a little help of course.  
  
It was officially the beginning of the end for the unsuspecting Mary Sues.  
  
NEXT: Hermione's going to infiltrate the Mary Sue camp with the help of a little polyjuice potion. Help them indeed... 


	5. Hermione Sue

Author's note: Hullo! It's me again... A few more chapters and this SHOULD be over. My muse has been bugging to turn this into a cross between "Harry Potter" and "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" but alas, my logical mind didn't seem to make it so. Maybe I'll try it another time. Meanwhile, enjoy the insanity in this story, and drop me a note to let me know what you think (AKA PLEASE REVIEW thank you ) p.s. I think it is entirely possible to live off of the energy created by the happiness of many reviews  
  
***  
  
"So why again, are you giving me this potion sir?" Hermione asked incredulously, as Professor Snape had just thrust a bottle of polyjuice potion that was Las Vegas neon light orange into her hand.  
  
Second block double Potions had just ended, and the next class to come in would be the fifth year Mary Sues.  
  
Snape had thought the Slytherin/Gryffindor classes were bad.  
  
"If I have to teach those insufferably cheery, abhorrently perfect excuses for human girls for much longer, I will test the new batch of suicide potion I made on them. Either that or use it on myself. Use the polyjuice potion well- or it will be 200 points for Gryffindor."  
  
"But sir, isn't using that potion illegal?"  
  
"Mary Sues should be illegal. I know that you, Potter and Weasley were attempting to come up with a plan to destroy the Mary Sues. Perhaps this way, you can actually do something without taking half of the school with you."  
  
"So you think I should use that Polyjuice potion to turn myself into Mary Sue number 23, go into their common room, and make them angry?" Hermione was extremely confused.  
  
"Yes. It has been proven that if a Mary Sue gets too agitated, they will spontaneously combust. One damn near caught my robe on fire yesterday, after I informed her of her grade in my class."  
  
Hermione frowned. "Couldn't this get dangerous?"  
  
"Extremely."  
  
"I don't know sir, maybe this isn't such a good idea. Does Professor Dumbledore know about this?"  
  
"Of course he does. Now leave. And 20 points from Gryffindor for questioning my authority." Snape all but shoved Hermione out of his classroom, and slammed the door behind him.  
  
"Sir.... SIR? Ugh!" Hermione turned around to see Harry and Ron giving her the strangest looks.  
  
"What did Snape want?" Harry asked.  
  
Hermione sighed. "You will never believe what just happened..."  
  
**  
  
It took quiet a bit of convincing, but eventually the trio came to the conclusion that what Snape had suggested was actually the right thing to do.  
  
For the sake of the school, and everyone's sanity.  
  
Ron however, still seemed to have some misgivings.  
  
"Are you sure it isn't poison?" He held up the offensively orange bottle of potion.  
  
It did seem rather.... Bright.  
  
In fact, it seemed to be in natural defiance of everything that had ever been orange.  
  
In short, it was almost painful to look at.  
  
Not to mention the fact that it gave off quite an offensive odor.  
  
`Maybe' Hermione thought, `That's just what essence of Mary Sue does to things.'  
  
She gave an involuntary shiver at the thought of everyone and everything inside of Hogwarts turning flaming orange and developing a distinctive stink.  
  
Hermione decided that she would not let things get to that point, and took the glowing bottle of potion from Ron, who yelled a quick `hey!' before crossing his arms defensively in front of him.  
  
"NO Ron, Snape would not poison me- don't give me that look, he wouldn't. " She sighed, and turned to Harry. "Right. Now my main concern is that they'll notice that there's two Mary Sue number 23s."  
  
Harry simply raised an eyebrow. "You mean you can tell them apart?"  
  
"Never mind! I'm just going to go take this-"  
  
"As long as you're sure it's not cat haioooof!" Hermione elbowed Ron harder than necessary in the stomach, while Harry was slightly red from the effort he was making not to laugh.  
  
"Will the both of you stop that? Really.... Now I'll need to make some adjustments to my robes- make the chest a bit bigger and the rest a bit smaller... Oh! I'll need some of those ridiculous platforms. Maybe I'll `borrow' some from Lavender. Make up, I'll need makeup... AND I TOLD YOU NOT TO LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT!" Hermione turned on her heal, and huffed up the stairs to the girls' dorms.  
  
"Did I ever mention how glad I was that I'm not a girl?" Ron said to Harry.  
  
Harry simply grinned and nodded in agreement.  
  
**  
  
About half an hour later, the most beautiful blonde bombshell in existence came down the stairs of the girl's dormitories, and into the Gryffindor common room.  
  
"Daaaaaaaaamn. How could I have missed a girl like that on our house?" Lee commented excitedly to the small group consisting of Fred, George, Harry, and Ron that he was playing a game of exploding snap with.  
  
"Don't worry, it's just Hermione." Harry said without even looking up.  
  
Hermione/Mary Sue 23 came over to the group, stumbling a few times before reaching her destination.  
  
"Hullo Hermione. My, how you've changed lately." George grinned.  
  
Ron glared at his brother. "Don't be a prat George."  
  
Hermione gave a little `humph' and rolled her eyes- a gesture which simply screamed `HELLO. MY NAME IS HERMIONE GRANGER, AND I AM A FIFTH YEAR GRYFFINDOR.'  
  
"Uh, do you think we have any time to work on your infiltration skills? I mean, you need to be a convincing Mary Sue here..." Harry was genuinely concerned.  
  
Before anyone could reply, a third year came running through the portrait hole, with an evil gin on his face. "Have any of you seen Draco Malfoy? He's turned the most hideous shade of orange, and he STINKS!"  
  
It appeared, that Hermione would have to infiltrate NOW. 


	6. Boom!

Author's note: I bet you though I forgot about this story, didn't you? Well I did, but I'm at it again, and here's the next chapter! PLEASE review this, I wanna know what you think! Please tell me that I haven't lost my touch ;)

***

"One! Sing-aaah!" Hermione/Mary Sue23 shreiked in surprise at the high, operatic tone of 'her' voice then reprehended herself for the start. All Mary Sues had amazing, angelic voices- how could she have forgotten that?

In the meantime, the portrait hole had opened (this particular portrait had a reputation for not being picky with the password-perhaps on it's own effort to help?)

The common room was in a complete sense of chaos. 

Hermione stepped cautiously into the room, and jumped three feet into the air (seemingly in defiance of gravity), as something exploded to her immediate right.

And to her left, and in front of the fireplace, and from the dormitory stairs.

"EVERYBODY CALM DOWN!" A girl with black hair and violet eyes shouted in the middle of it all, her distinctly American mid-western accent coming out as she yelled.

"What's going on?" Hermione/Mary Sue 23 asked as innocently as she could.

"Oh it's just awful!" the girl, Page, drawled. "Every time one of us gets upset, they spontaneously combust!" She, along with the rest of the house was extremely dismayed.

"Oh no..." Hermione/Mary Sue 23 gasped, almost convincingly.

"If it keeps going at this rate, there'll be no one left!" Chavie, a first year, cried, looking up at her with huge watery eyes.

'Poor thing' thought Hermione. 'Maybe they're not all so bad after all.'

"It's almost as bad as the time I had to save my orphanage from a Death Eater attack!" she squealed.

Hermione/Mary Sue 23 buried her head in her hands and sighed.

"It's not that bad dear, really." Page put an arm around her shoulders.

"Yes it is, believe me." She said, looking up at the group of devil girls.

She had one thing to keep in mind: Never trust a Mary Sue.

Never.

"It really is." Said Alyssa, getting up from a teal cushioned chair in front of the fireplace. "Not even Dumbledore will help us. Dumbledore! And he's my grandfather!!" The redhead pouted. 

"That doesn't sound like him…" Hermione/Mary frowned slightly.

"I know! He just said that based on the choices we have made, that we would find our ultimate fate waiting for us, and that in the end, the Mary Sue house would become a legend." Alyssa was extremely out.

'Yes,' Hermione thought, 'a legend told to frighten first years.'

"Together, Page, Mary, and I can save the day!" Alyssa proclaimed, jumping into Mary Sue overdrive.

"Yay!" Shouted Page, clapping her hands together.

Both of them looked expectantly at Hermione/Mary Sue 23, and she had the decency to look properly horrified at the notion.

"Oh… n-no, I couldn't. I mean, I'm not really good in this kind if situation, I'm sure you don't want me, really." She laughed nervously.

"Mary! This isn't like you at all! You must be ill, let me take you to the hospital wing!" Alyssa grabbed Hermione/Mary Sue 23's hand, and started to pull her up, but she refused to go.

"Oh no, I'm fine, No-"

"You've got to help us! Remember the time you defeated Voldermort with nothing more than a ball of yarn, a phoenix feather, and the look in your eyes?" Page recounted the tale wistfully.

"Er, of course I do." Hermione/Mary Sue 23 faltered slightly.

"This is the worst danger that we've ever been in! We're a danger to ourselves!" Alyssa whispered dramatically.

'True enough' Hermione thought.

"I suppose there could be a slight threat to being extremely flammable." She said out loud.

"Mary! You are not taking this situation seriously!" Page yelled.

"I am taking this seriously, believe me." She said, attempting to sound offended. 'If only you knew' she thought to herself.

"This could really be the end of the Mary Sues!" Page quivered slightly.

"You promise?" Hermione/Mary Sue 23's eyes lit up.

Alyssa opened her mouth so speak, but a terrified shriek from behind them made all three girls jump.

Chavie was staring open mouthed at Hermione/Mary Sue 23, when she finally got the courage to speak.

"Your hair… it's FRIZZY!!!" The first year stammered. 

"Oh that's it! I'm taking you to the hospital wing Right Now. Something is _obviously_ wrong with you!" Alyssa grabbed Hermione/Mary Sue 23's robes, yanked her up, and started to drag her out of the common room, when she wrenched herself out of Alyssa's grasp.

"Let go of me!" She screamed.

"What is wrong with you??" The other girl's eyes blazed, while her chest was heaving.

An explosion threw Hermione/Mary Sue to her feet.

When the smoke cleared, Alyssa and Mary Sue 23 were nowhere to be found.

 However, sitting in Mary Sue 23's place, was a very disheveled looking Hermione Granger.

"GRANGER!" Page Shrieked in absolute fury.

Another explosion shook the common room, and Page was no more.

Hermione sat there for a moment, shocked, and then she did something she had never done before.

"Shit!" She squeaked, before fleeing from and enraged mob of demon girls.

Running faster than she had ever run before, she looked behind her to see about 30 Mary Sues chasing her.

"BLOOD SUCKING MARY SUE'S!" She screamed at the Fat Lady, before she shook herself mentally, "I mean Blood Sucking Bugbears." She said a bit more calmly, before stepping into the Gryffindor common room, and slamming the portrait hole closed behind her.

"What ever you do, DO NOT OPEN THIS PORTRIT HOLE." She breathed shallowly. 

The whole of Gryffindor house had gathered in the common room, awaiting her return.

They were staring at her with strange, if not expectant expressions on their faces.

Seemingly out of the blue, an explosion erupted- one that made books fall off the bookshelves, threw whoever had been standing off their feet, and had most likely been heard throughout the entire castle, down to the lowest Slytherin dungeon.

Slowly, Hermione opened the portrait hole, and peaked out.

The mob that had only moments ago been threatening to kill her was nowhere to be found. 

"Hogwarts: 50. Mary Sues: 0." She grinned.

That left only 11 Mary Sues.

And they didn't stand a chance.


End file.
